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Posted at 08:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
sometimes, not often, i miss the insanity that used to be me. i don't often look forward to a future because, most of the time, i can't see one. usually, i am happy to exist in my present, trying to take as much good as i possibly can because i'm not used to having it and it feels so good. other times, like tonight, the future stretches out in front of me like a black hole and i wonder, What's the point? i wish i were me from five years ago because then i could easily give up, give in, get fucked up and forget my pain. tonight i feel empty and pinched, like the world is too big and it's making me so small. in a while i'll be drowning in loneliness even though, right now, it already pricks at me. why go on?
why not.
Posted at 08:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I did it. I'm moving out. I signed the lease yesterday and I'm moving out sometime this week. I hope this serves as some sort of catalyst for change and moving forward or else all this pain and complication is for nothing. All I really know is that I feel stifled. I feel like I can't be myself; talk to my friends, or do the things I used to do. I miss chatting with my friends online and writing whenever the desire hit. I miss curling up on a couch or a chair or in bed and losing myself in my past writings, or a book, or a magazine. I miss watching whatever I want on TV for hours. I miss going out for coffee by myself. I miss feeling free.
Who knows what will happen after this move? My boyfriend and I have decided to take a one month break once I move out. We will have no communication whatsoever and I fear that I already know what's going to happen once that break is over. I'm not going to want to go back. He's going to work on everything BUT the issues that need to be worked on and then he'll be confused as to why I won't go back to what is, essentially, a frat house. No more. No more drugs every day. No more drinking every day. No more sleeping at odd hours. No more pizza and fast food. No more putting up with someone sulking at me for days and refusing to talk. No more humping my leg in the morning. No more inappropriate grabbing whenever he feels like it. Maybe my life will move forward positively, maybe it won't. I just can't do what we've been doing for the past year and a half. I just can't.
Why do I keep dating addicts? Why do I put up with the bad behaviour that often comes along with it? What makes me think that a perfect boyfriend most of the time makes up for the yelling and screaming and name-calling some of the time?
I feel a weight lifting at the same time as another one settles in its place. The good news is that I'm not alone, I know what my triggers are, and I'm seeing a professional on a regular basis. I can do this. But can he? Why is someone else always my top priority? What happens to me? Where do I go? Where do my hopes and dreams go? My writing?
I want to get it all back. It's mine, I'm entitled to it, so I'm going to take it. i just wish this horrible guilt would go away.
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Last night I had this dream that it was a very hot day. So hot that almost everyone was staying inside, too hot to move from their beds. I hated lying around, so I decided to go for a walk. On the way I saw this guy that I barely knew, and he was wearing a long sleeved shirt. I thought that was very strange, so I decided to follow him to see where he was going. If it was cold enough to wear long sleeved shirts in this ridiculously hot weather, I wanted to be wherever he was going. Turns out, he was on his way to a muddy swamp, where hundreds of people were already jumping in and out, and as I looked closer, I saw that they weren't all human. Some were actually breathing while underwater! i watched as people, dressed as if it were a cold fall day, stripped their clothes off to the bare minimum and jumped into the cool cool mud, caking their bodies and then they'd lie on the shore, on rocks and let the mud dry, and put their clothes back on.
What do you think this means???
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