writer without a cause

I can't believe I have

I can't believe I have my own place... I can't believe its not a tiny room in a norading house, or that I don't have roommates! It's amazing. A little one bedroom place within walking distance of work, major bus routes, a Tim's, a Giant Tiger, a Superstore and a thrift shop! I don't have a bed yet, so ice been sleeping on the futon in the living room and using the bedroom as a storage area. I have a lot of crap. And nowhere to put it! But I'm not worried because I HAVE MY OWN PLACE!!!
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to be or not

sometimes, not often, i miss the insanity that used to be me.  i don't often look forward to a future because, most of the time, i can't see one.  usually, i am happy to exist in my present, trying to take as much good as i possibly can because i'm not used to having it and it feels so good.  other times, like tonight, the future stretches out in front of me like a black hole and i wonder, What's the point?  i wish i were me from five years ago because then i could easily give up, give in, get fucked up and forget my pain.  tonight i feel empty and pinched, like the world is too big and it's making me so small.  in a while i'll be drowning in loneliness even though, right now, it already pricks at me.  why go on?

why not.

moving

I did it.  I'm moving out.  I signed the lease yesterday and I'm moving out sometime this week.  I hope this serves as some sort of catalyst for change and moving forward or else all this pain and complication is for nothing.  All I really know is that I feel stifled.  I feel like I can't be myself; talk to my friends, or do the things I used to do.  I miss chatting with my friends online and writing whenever the desire hit.  I miss curling up on a couch or a chair or in bed and losing myself in my past writings, or a book, or a magazine.  I miss watching whatever I want on TV for hours.  I miss going out for coffee by myself.  I miss feeling free.

Who knows what will happen after this move?  My boyfriend and I have decided to take a one month break once I move out.  We will have no communication whatsoever and I fear that I already know what's going to happen once that break is over.  I'm not going to want to go back.  He's going to work on everything BUT the issues that need to be worked on and then he'll be confused as to why I won't go back to what is, essentially, a frat house.  No more.  No more drugs every day.  No more drinking every day.  No more sleeping at odd hours.  No more pizza and fast food.  No more putting up with someone sulking at me for days and refusing to talk.  No more humping my leg in the morning.  No more inappropriate grabbing whenever he feels like it.  Maybe my life will move forward positively, maybe it won't.  I just can't do what we've been doing for the past year and a half.  I just can't.

Why do I keep dating addicts?  Why do I put up with the bad behaviour that often comes along with it?  What makes me think that a perfect boyfriend most of the time makes up for the yelling and screaming and name-calling some of the time?

I feel a weight lifting at the same time as another one settles in its place.  The good news is that I'm not alone, I know what my triggers are, and I'm seeing a professional on a regular basis.  I can do this.  But can he?  Why is someone else always my top priority?  What happens to me?  Where do I go?  Where do my hopes and dreams go?  My writing?

I want to get it all back.  It's mine, I'm entitled to it, so I'm going to take it.  i just wish this horrible guilt would go away.

Late At Night

I push you so far away because otherwise I could never bear it. But then, late at night, my body and mind work together to destroy me because all of a sudden I can see your smile and your eyes, I can hear your soft voice and your laughter. And, just to punish myself, I look at pictures of you and her. I look at her eyes and lips. I compare my age to hers. I see love on your face in those pictures. I force myself to face reality so I don't go insane. You love her right now, not me. You kiss her right now, and not me. Somehow, this other person gets to hold your hand and touch your face, and I really don't think she understands how lucky she is. Why can't her love be wasted on somone else? I always forget that you had to have asked her to be there. Otherwise, she wouldn't be your wife.

Twlight Rerun

I'm reading Twilight again, but this time after having seen the movie and while high. It's much more intense, but I doubt the movie has anything to do with that.
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Cohabitation

You never REALLY know someone until you live with them. That's probably why for centuries people were taught to get married first. Probably this is the only thing left from the caveman days that was useful to us (besides fire and the wheel, of course), because even they must have figured this out pretty quickly.
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Elevator Buttons

Life is a lot like elevators. You can push the buttons as hard as you want and as many times as you want, the elevator is still going to take the same amount of time to reach you, or to go where it's going to go. And if you're in a hurry, it's going to seem even longer. Stupid elevators!
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dream

Last night I had this dream that it was a very hot day. So hot that almost everyone was staying inside, too hot to move from their beds. I hated lying around, so I decided to go for a walk. On the way I saw this guy that I barely knew, and he was wearing a long sleeved shirt. I thought that was very strange, so I decided to follow him to see where he was going. If it was cold enough to wear long sleeved shirts in this ridiculously hot weather, I wanted to be wherever he was going. Turns out, he was on his way to a muddy swamp, where hundreds of people were already jumping in and out, and as I looked closer, I saw that they weren't all human. Some were actually breathing while underwater!  i watched as people, dressed as if it were a cold fall day, stripped their clothes off to the bare minimum and jumped into the cool cool mud, caking their bodies and then they'd lie on the shore, on rocks and let the mud dry, and put their clothes back on.

What do you think this means???

Writing

I miss writing. Every time I try to start up again I feel guilt. But only when I'm in a relationship. Lots of times I don't even feel like writing when I'm in a relationship, but how can I avoid it if I'm in one that's going to last? I feel it's too much to ask to keep my writing private. But we are all allowed our private thoughts, it's just that I feel better if I've written them down. That doesn't mean it should be available to everyone, does it? Or does it? If I'm willing to make a hard copy aren't I just making the choice to somehow, some time, be compromised with it? I don't know. All I know is this feeling of deliciousness that is bubbling up inside of me with every, single, keystroke. It feels like I'm breathing again.

Untitled (poem)

dancing in the rain
never became
quite so easy
as when you were in it.