I did it. I'm moving out. I signed the lease yesterday and I'm moving out sometime this week. I hope this serves as some sort of catalyst for change and moving forward or else all this pain and complication is for nothing. All I really know is that I feel stifled. I feel like I can't be myself; talk to my friends, or do the things I used to do. I miss chatting with my friends online and writing whenever the desire hit. I miss curling up on a couch or a chair or in bed and losing myself in my past writings, or a book, or a magazine. I miss watching whatever I want on TV for hours. I miss going out for coffee by myself. I miss feeling free.
Who knows what will happen after this move? My boyfriend and I have decided to take a one month break once I move out. We will have no communication whatsoever and I fear that I already know what's going to happen once that break is over. I'm not going to want to go back. He's going to work on everything BUT the issues that need to be worked on and then he'll be confused as to why I won't go back to what is, essentially, a frat house. No more. No more drugs every day. No more drinking every day. No more sleeping at odd hours. No more pizza and fast food. No more putting up with someone sulking at me for days and refusing to talk. No more humping my leg in the morning. No more inappropriate grabbing whenever he feels like it. Maybe my life will move forward positively, maybe it won't. I just can't do what we've been doing for the past year and a half. I just can't.
Why do I keep dating addicts? Why do I put up with the bad behaviour that often comes along with it? What makes me think that a perfect boyfriend most of the time makes up for the yelling and screaming and name-calling some of the time?
I feel a weight lifting at the same time as another one settles in its place. The good news is that I'm not alone, I know what my triggers are, and I'm seeing a professional on a regular basis. I can do this. But can he? Why is someone else always my top priority? What happens to me? Where do I go? Where do my hopes and dreams go? My writing?
I want to get it all back. It's mine, I'm entitled to it, so I'm going to take it. i just wish this horrible guilt would go away.
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